The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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