nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
