4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
