eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
