eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize