shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
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i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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