I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
