On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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