If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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