I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
