woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
