I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
