"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
