how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
