Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you would pick up someone in the library
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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