is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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