On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
