An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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