I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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