Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
