You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers