Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.