If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW