This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
