i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
