I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Boobs speak an international language.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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