I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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