Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
