If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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