Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I have aggressive nipples.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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