how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
