to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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