I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
