i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them