Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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