i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
