We named our party play list daddy issues
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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