We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
