his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
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downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Vodka?
Forever.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
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I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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