Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
