I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
