I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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