i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
