Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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