Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
