i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
