Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
