I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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