I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
