Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
