I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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