You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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