i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
