You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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