god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
