I haven't been this sober since birth.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
how drunk are you?
Several
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
